Would Change If I Could
by SmilingCheshireCat
Summary: Dave is overjoyed to discovered Spencer is actually his son. Spencer, still damaged from old wounds, is not nearly as enthusiastic.


After the earth-shattering revelation, Spencer went MIA for several hours. His cellphone was turned off, his land line phone evidently unplugged, and his apartment locked. Jason Gideon, Hotch informed a nearly frantic Dave, had been the only BAU member other than Spencer to hold a key, and had returned it when he departed many months ago.

Just as Dave, weary and frustrated, was at home pouring himself a glass of bourbon, his cell phone rang. Startled, Dave dropped the bottle, cursing as the glass smashed and the liquor spilled all over the floor.

He fumbled for the phone; the incoming call was from an unknown number, but he answered anyway. "Rossi," he said tersely, using his standard greeting and attempting to block his tumultuous emotions from his voice.

A brief pause, and then Dave's breath caught as he heard Reid's voice over the phone. The connection had intermittent static- a payphone, one of the few left around.

"I'm at the diner on Concord Street if you want to talk."

"Wait there," Dave ordered, his heart hammering. "I'll be there right away."

The entire drive, Dave's heart was in his throat as he rushed to meet Reid. Who, somehow, through the grace of God, was his son. __His son__. His son was alive. The how and the why would come later- what mattered now was that his boy- his __James__ \- was alive.

The instant he threw open the diner door, he was already scanning the tables for Reid. The establishment was more of a restaurant- it was too big to be a diner. After what seemed to be an eternity, during which Dave's spirits plummeted, he finally spotted Reid, facing away from him, at one of the back tables, off to the far side. The profiler in Dave pointed out that Reid was trying to deflect attention from himself by choosing the most isolated of tables.

Taking a deep breath, Dave steeled himself and approached the table. He was jubilant that the child he'd thought long dead was actually alive and well. Reid- no, Spencer, Dave corrected himself, had not been nearly as enthusiastic.

"Thanks for coming," Spencer said as Dave slid into the booth. He offered Dave a smile that was practiced to appear happy, but in reality, Dave could see the cheerlessness in his eyes.

He was in uncertain territory with Spencer, so Dave had better watch his step.

"Spencer," he began, but Spencer held up a hand, cutting him off.

"Dave, I'm going to get right to the point. I'm leaving the BAU." Spencer looked very tired as he spoke.

"What?" Dave blinked in disbelief. "Why?"

Spencer shrugged, picking up his mug of coffee. "I would think the reason should be obvious."

Dave swallowed, struggling to remain calm. His only child, who he'd discovered only hours earlier was not, in fact, dead, was now walking away from their one common interest. "Spencer, you don't have to do that."

"But I do," Spencer said, his voice never wavering from a composed yet weary tone. "Also, I'm moving away from the DC area."

"Where to?" Dave asked instantly.

Spencer gazed across the table at him with shuttered eyes. "No offense, Dave, but I don't think you need to know that."

For a moment, Dave stared at Spencer in shock, his hopes crashing down around him. "You're leaving. This is you running out."

Spencer sighed. "Believe me, Dave, I'm sparing us both a lot of trouble. I'm protecting us both."

"How?" Dave demanded, fury rising at being denied the opportunity to bond with his son. "How in the hell is your running away supposed to protect me?"

"To spare you from disappointment," Spencer informed him bluntly. "For a while, you'll be enamored with me, but once the honeymoon phase wears out, you'll only be able to see every one of flaws and deficiencies, magnified and in perfect detail. You'll realize I can't and will never be able to meet your expectations. Then you'll be wishing you never met me in the first place, and I'll be left to deal with the rejection because, yet again, the goodwill towards me from one of my loved ones reached its expiration date."

"That's not going to happen!" Dave insisted. "For God's sake, Spencer, just because Jason Gideon abandoned you without a second thought doesn't mean I will!"

Spencer smiled humorlessly. "Yeah, sure. Maybe you'll think twice and then go through with it anyway."

"Spencer-"

"Jason wasn't the first person to abandon me, but he was the most significant," Spencer admitted, turning to gaze sightlessly out the window. "He headhunted me, recruited me, and groomed me especially for the BAU." He paused, and for several seconds, Dave thought he would not continue, but then he did. "In hindsight, I don't think he cared about me as a person as much what I could do for him personally."

An undercurrent in Spencer's tone made Dave's stomach twist; he'd always thought of Jason playing the role of a father figure in Spencer's life, but a horrible realization dawned on him that Jason's intentions might have veered in a more prurient direction.

"I think he thought he could find some kind of personal redemption through me," Spencer went on. "Like he could use me to make up for all of his mistakes. Personal or professional . . . that's why he tried to play dad. But when he realized that I was a person with flaws instead of some fact-spewing android, he couldn't leave fast enough."

Dave should be placated by Spencer's admission of Jason's feelings toward him, but he still felt incredibly uneasy.

"He definitely hated me by the end. He left a note specifically to me where he mentioned his past regrets and his guilt-"

Which would make it profile like a suicide note, Dave recognized.

"-basically, a suicide note. He didn't officially resign, which left me to take the note to Hotch and the rest of the team and explain his departure to them. Jason knew all of us, as profilers, would see it as a suicide note, and that I would have to show it to the others. He wanted me to feel guilty, and he wanted the others to blame me, to believe that I left him no choice but to leave and possibly kill himself. Even in absentia, he was trying to isolate me from the rest of the team. Since I couldn't meet his expectations, he wanted me to suffer on both a personal and professional level."

Spencer drew in a deep breath, and looked at Dave directly. "For the next two months, I called Jason every day. I left him sixty voicemails in all. He didn't return a single one. During that time, I jumped every time the phone rang, thinking that it was either him calling, or law enforcement letting us know they'd found his body. And the trouble with an eidetic memory is that I can revisit each moment- everything I would change if I could- in full detail. I spent weeks combing over every interaction with Jason, thinking of what I could change to convince him to stay.

"I truly believe that Jason is dead. But if he is alive, he truly despises me and wants me to live with the guilt of driving him away." There was a bleakness to Spencer's eyes that deeply unsettled Dave.

Reaching across the table, Dave gripped Spencer's hand in his own. "I'm not going to defend Jason's actions, because frankly, what he did to you was selfish and deliberately cruel. But Spencer, you have to understand, __I am nothing like him__."

"Who says it's you?" Spencer returned tonelessly. "My father walked out on me, and Jason did, too, once he discovered I had too many issues for him to put up with. There's been other people who've left, as well: Elle, Ethan, and in a sense, even my mother. It's not you, Dave, it's me, and that's why I want to prevent us both from getting hurt. You shouldn't have to have me as a son, and I . . . I can't deal with another loss that I know is my fault. I just can't."

"Spencer-" Dave begged, but Spencer was already standing and shaking his head.

"Dave, I'm sorry," he said. "You deserve a better son than me, and if I stay here, it will only cause you pain."

"Spencer, If we both try, we can make this work!" Dave protested.

"I believe that you believe that," Spencer replied quietly.

"Why won't you even try?" His anger was rising as he realized this situation was beyond his control.

"Because it's not realistic," Spencer informed him. "It would be nice to pretend that we could drive off into the sunset, and you would introduce me as your son to your family-"

" _ _Our__ family," Dave interjected.

"-but it's not going to ever happen. I just don't see the point of forming relationships that, in the end, will benefit no one but harm everyone. And I'm not going to sublimate my past and my pain just to make you and your family happy."

"At least tell me where you're going to go," Dave pleaded.

"I'm sorry," Spencer repeated, and then he turned and walked away.

Helplessly, Dave watched his son and only child walk out of his life.

* * *

As soon as he arrived home, Dave dialed Aaron to update him on Spencer's situation. Aaron drove to Dave's immediately. He found Dave in his study, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

"Dave, I'm sorry," Aaron offered, at a loss of how to comfort his old friend.

"Me, too, Aaron," Dave said raggedly, swallowing his whiskey. "Me, too."

* * *

 **A/N:** I've seen a few fics where it turns out Spencer is Dave's son, and he's always willing to give a try towards their new relationship. I thought it would be interesting to write one where Spencer doesn't have the capacity or energy to make an attempt. In all likelihood, this story will remain a one-shot. Thanks for reading!


End file.
